Suing God

Jane Lebak
September 25, 2007

In further proof that truly good parody is indistinguishable from real life, Senator Ernie Chambers of Omaha, Nebraska has filed a summons and complaint against God in Douglas County Court.

If you've been reading The Wittenburg Door, you'll know that with our usual prophetic foresight, we predicted this move when we ran "Helping Injured Victims For 4,000 Years" in our March/April, 2007 issue (#210).

Senator Chambers maintains the move is to show how frivolous lawsuits are tying up the US court system. One of the cases he's protesting is a suit by a rape victim against a judge who won't allow her to use the words "rape" or "sexual assault" in her testimony because the defendant hasn't been convicted of rape or sexual assault. (See Banned words debated in sex assault case)

In his lawsuit, Chambers is looking for a permanent injunction ordering God to cease certain harmful activities and the making of terroristic threats, including but not limited to "fearsome floods, egregious earthquakes, horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes, pestilential plagues, ferocious famines, devastating droughts, genocidal wars, birth defects." Chambers claims that God's victims include "innocent babes, infants, children, the aged and infirm without mercy or distinction."

In a surprise move, God has filed countersuit against Chambers for unnecessary alliteration and offenses against the English language.

"Innocent babes and infants are the same thing," said the Archangel Gabriel during a press conference, "and I'm not sure whether Sen. Chambers means the infirm are 'without mercy or distinction,' or God's actions. The fact is that God was willing to accept the death of His Own Son. Chambers isn't representing people who are better than Jesus. And how on earth can he defend a judge not allowing a rape victim to call it rape? Can we send the entire country back for remedial English lessons?"

"This whole situation is legally indefensible," said U.S. Council of Catholic Bishops spokeswoman Helen Osman, which has offered God legal representation now that some of their lawyers are freed up from abuse cases. "At the most you could call God an accomplice, as Chambers can't prove He's actively causing these things rather than simply permitting them. Why isn't Chambers suing Satan?"

God Himself could not be reached for comment, but funnel clouds were sighted over Chambers' residence while the ground trembled and a strong wind filled his house with tongues of fire.