Judges Protest Activism by Chaining Selves to Bench

In a pair of split decisions in June, the US Supreme Court ruled that the Ten Commandments may be depicted in historical displays on public lands, but laser-light Commandments shows in the courtroom are out, and bailiffs may not distribute Chick Tracts to witnesses. In response to this brazenly secular ruling, a small group of lower-court judges, complaining about what they characterize as "judicial activism," have handcuffed themselves to a park bench across from the United States Supreme Court, along with a Ten Commandments monument they characterize as "tasteful."

"Judicial activism erodes the fabric of our society," explained the "Honorable" Roy Moore, who served as Chief Justice of the Alabama Supreme Court for about two weeks before the Ethics Committee fired him for civil disobedience. Other judges, meanwhile, stood by with signs that said "God Hates Moderates," chanting "Hell no, we won't Roe!"

"This is the basis of our law and our government," explained Moore, gesturing toward the Ten Commandments statue, which Judges Cale Bradford of Indiana and Michael Caperton of Kentucky were at that time trying to hold steady as it wobbled in the wind.

"When you read 'I am the Lord your God, you shall have no other gods before me,'" Moore adds, "you can see how our Founding Fathers came up with freedom of religion. 'You shall not take the name of the Lord in vain' just screams out freedom of speech, and the prohibition against graven images clearly led to another great moment in American history, the de-funding of the National Endowment for the Arts.

"This is America after all; just think how it would cripple our free market system if we let people go around coveting."

"This is why we need to do away with the filibuster," explained Tom Fitton, president of the "nonpartisan" group Judicial Watch. "Because if the minority party can block just a few of the President's nominees, then the only choices left are judicial activists. There really are just a few mainstream judges in America. The rest belong to a radical fringe that does not represent the majority.

"It's about freedom of religion," added Judge Bradford, who recently forbade an Indiana couple from exposing their child to "non-mainstream" religions. "Americans should have the freedom to walk into a courthouse and see the faith statements of their religion presented there. As long as it's mainstream. Isn't that what freedom of religion is about?"

"A judge needs to be impartial, and sometimes the wisdom of Solomon is required," explained Judge Caperton, who has previously ruled that drug offenders may attend church instead of jail or community service. "How are we supposed to demonstrate that we are impartial and wise, if we're not allowed to display the Word of G--"

At this point, Caperton stopped in mid-diatribe, as the wind caused the modest statuary to break free from his hands and crush three pedestrians, a parked Volkswagen, and a section of the courthouse steps. "See what you made me do?" Caperton shouted at the courthouse, shaking his fist. Moore, yelling over the sound of the car alarm, concluded, "This is what happens when you set activist judges loose on America."